Valuable (Internet) Life Lessons

[elz]

For reference

1) When people are saying bad things about you on an anon meme or in a particular comment thread or community (things more serious than "fangirl x is a terrible writer and I hate her because she's more popular than I am"), drawing attention to it is seriously counterproductive. Especially if you have reason to think that the bad things being said may have some basis in truth. Because many of your friends may be supportive, but you're massively increasing the number of people who now know something less-than-flattering about you.

2) When someone you know or like is criticized or accused of something, there's a natural instinct we all have to be supportive or to leap to their defense. Learn to suppress that. Seriously - we're all capable of offending other people, we're all capable of doing bad things, whether deliberately or by accident, and unconditional support can sometimes do more harm than good. "Screw the haters" is a perfectly valid response if someone is calling your friend names, but if someone says they were hurt by your friend's behavior, then dismissing/insulting them may compound that hurt. And especially if it's an issue like sexual assault, abuse, sexism, racism - your own words can contribute to a culture of silencing, shaming or oppression, even if that's not what you intend. I'm not saying to abandon your friends at the first sign of trouble - just let the adrenaline die down and the whole situation sink in before you jump in to a public discussion. Because regrets and screencaps are forever.

Comments

[erda]

I would tend to agree, but I think some of this is basic personality. When I get upset or hurt, my initial reaction is always to shut down and go silent, which is good in some ways, because I hardly ever react in anger, but in other ways not so good, because I also hardly ever ask for help or support when I most need it. For some people that initial reaction to pain is to yell out and strike back. I'm not sure how much control people really have over that first, hind brain response.

[elz]

It's true that you can't dictate your own gut reactions to things, but when it comes to email or journal comments, you've got to exercise some kind of control over when to hit post or you'll wind up getting yourself in trouble in all kinds of situations. And sometimes you have to work around your feelings in a similar way in order to speak up when your instinct is to back away - I have that problem myself, too.

I've just seen that so many times, where someone's friends have jumped in and made a situation worse without even necessarily getting the full story, and sometimes you can tell they'll regret it later just by reading what they've written, but that doesn't always negate the impact of what they've said on other people.

[erda]

Yes, true. I've noticed the same thing with people jumping in before having sufficient information.

[lim]

you've got to exercise some kind of control over when to hit post

But you are, like, YODA, elz!

*admires you from the land of Rageout, Embarrassment City*

[elz]

Hee - I have a pretty long fuse, it's true, but I just read something that made me go all FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE, so it's definitely possible to burn through it if you try hard enough. *g*

[rusty_halo]

This is very good advice.

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[(Anonymous)]

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